There’s nothing quite like lacing up my running shoes with my four legged buddy – who is whining uncontrollably in a frenzy, literally shaking he’s so ecstatic, and jumping in anticipation – to get my heart pumping. I’m hooked on everything there is about the sport. The feeling of the pavement under my feet, the excitement of a new pair of brightly colored running shoes, experiencing mini-nature breaks in the middle of the day, and most recently the addition of winter gear. As a general rule, shorter days, plunging temps, and the absence of leaves are all clear indicators that winter is on the way and my shoes are hung up for the season. But there’s something different going on this year… Instead I’ve found myself investing in extra long johns, gloves with Iphone fingertips, and a full face mask. I signed up for a 10K trail run on Thanksgiving day, knowing full well there could be snow. And the real kicker was purchasing hex-head screws for the soles of my shoes to keep me in action on icy days.
Despite all this new found insanity, there are still days I just don’t wanna go. I grump around the house as I find all my layers, telling myself… I can just run 2 miles today… I can even walk if I want… I don’t want to go but I gotta do it for Gus… Persuasion, compromise, guilt – hey it gets me out the door. And then 3 miles later, I’ve accomplished more in a bad day then I used to dream was possible on a good day.
Today was one of those days, 33F degrees out with 24 miles per hour wind, making it feel more around 16F. Did I mention, 24 mph wind? Slightly de-motivating. As I headed onto the path north of town, the trees and corn field provided a much needed reprieve from the gusting gales around me. I mean I’m talking practically typhoon conditions out there. But despite the much needed amnesty, I found myself getting sucked into the dreariness of browns, leafless trees, and lifeless corn stalks, not yet plowed over. My mind wandered to a friend going through hard times. Though a few years removed from my tribulations, I still struggle with what if’s, rehearse what I could have said, should have said, and even get my blood boiling from arguments that go on in my head alone. I recollect how we could have been celebrating 8 years last week and reminisce of the tormented prayers begging that their child not be born in November. Somehow at the time, I desperately needed for my son and his half-sister to not share the same birth month. The shreds we hold onto to maintain sanity need not make sense.
I found myself contemplating what advise to share with my friend. She had expressed hurt and feelings of weakness. My natural inclination is to be positive, uplifting, and to look for the silver lining. I struggle with my strong belief in preserving the marriage and exhausting all options, twice if needed – with offering support and counsel to someone who’s walking in my former shoes. It feels a bit hypocritical, a little bi-polar, as I’m equipped with resources and experiences to keep hope alive and/or how to pick up the pieces from the aftermath of complete destruction.
In the midst of these thoughts, something red caught my eye. Not one but two bright radiant red cardinals were sitting in a tree nearby. I was so shocked I stopped in my tracks, paused my apps, and stealthily attempted to take the best picture I could capture. Everything in that moment stood still. I remember thinking, in the middle of all the brown, dying, lifelessness there is still vivid bold life. Almost in defiance shouting out, “Though the world is preparing to slumber and hybernate, I AM ALIVE!!!”
Immediately I thought of my friend, how I wished she was there to witness this with me. I continued on my run thinking of how my pastor had mentioned red cardinals being a sign and resolved to google it back at work. As I circled back I expectantly watched each tree for another glimpse. The verse Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind as I rounded the corner to see not two but now four red cardinals in the tree. As I listened to the lyrics of “Come Back to Life” by Kerrie Roberts. How fitting for the self talks I’ve been having about letting go of the past.
Later I would learn red cardinals are traditionally symbolic of life, hope, and restoration. They remind us that though circumstances might look bleak, dark, and despairing, there is always “hope.” Another site said a cardinal is telling you that you can handle it, and to believe in yourself. Stand up, lift your head high, and take pride in yourself.
I believe God chose that moment to remind me to be alive, to be proud of myself, and to see things he is starting in my life. A breath of fresh air when I was wallowing. I also believe God means the same for my friend as she’s seeking strength and reassurance. He has us in His hands. For my dear friend, hold onto hope and know that you are not alone. You are strong and beautifully made by the ultimate creator. He knows you by name and every strand on your head. If He will feed the birds, how much more will he care and provide for you. Hold your head up high my friend – You are loved
Dear Heavenly Father,
I am overwhelmed by you. All that you’ve done – loving, forgiving, mercy. Thank you for reminding me I’m coming back to life, grace is stronger and will cover my scars and pain. Thank you for making things new and never stopping your work in me.
Amen