Change is hard. Holding onto and letting go of the past. Looking forward to and wanting to run away from the future. And typically missing the present. Today is a good day, a really really good day. The sun is shinning, the warmth on my skin, I forget how alive the sun makes me feel. I feel like a kid again wanting to barrel roll down hills, chase the squaking ducks, and investigate where those buzzing bugs are coming from. Instead I sit in the grass and smile as an adult should.
I think of how life could have been, how life could be and almost miss over today. I’m Alive! Im alive in my spirit, in my being, and I want to do back flips at the joy in my life. And I’m sad as I want to share it with others. I long for relations with others where we know everything about each other, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve made memories. And I think of all my friends and the short moments we have together now. The excitement of seeing faces after so long, the busyiness of catching up, and it’s just not long enough. But isn’t that how life goes – it’s school and work, groceries and errands, projects and to do lists, it’s never ending.
Today I’m taking a pause. Breathe in… Breathe out…
Why is it so contrary to my nature to sit still, to be quiet, and fully be in the moment?
Oooohmmm… No, yoga or centering myself doesn’t work. I’m always in a thousand places in my mind. Either ticking off what I’ve done or counting what’s yet to be done.
As I watch moms playing with their kiddos at the park, I think about being a stay at home mom and all the freedom. But I don’t really know a single stay at home mom that looks or acts like they’ve found that zen like inner peace. And I realize it’s probably this way for just about everyone.
So rather than spend the afternoon kicking myself and pointing out faults, I’m going to focus on the sun, the warmth, and the cool breeze. I am well. I am doing well. And perhaps this is my bit of peace today. The birds seem content to sing and play, why not me? The fish in the pond didn’t seem to get the memo today to worry, so why should I? And the bugaboos don’t feel the need to be anything but what they are, so why shouldn’t I?
Yes today is a good day and why over think it anymore than that.